"How do I look?" - My struggles with body image, and body dysmorphia
Hello everyone, and welcome back to Planet Fames!
I hope you all have had a better weekend than I have. Not that my weekend was horrible, because I was fortunate enough to be reminded of the wonderful and supportive friends and family I have been blessed to have in my life. Without them, I think this weekend could have been much worse...so a special thank you to those that helped me get through it! You know who you are!
This brings me to the topic of this weeks blog. I want to talk about, and hopefully start a dialogue or at least give a better understanding of body image, eating disorder, and my struggles with body dysmorphic thinking.
I am going to ask that everyone reading this, please be kind. As those of you that know me understand, I am a very guarded person. I don't share what I am really feeling often, so this is hard for me to do. Sharing something this personal and leaving myself vulnerable like this makes me extremely uncomfortable. I say this, and offer a preemptive apology in the event I get defensive with anyone.
I'm not even sure where to start, so I guess I will start with this weekend and what happened and go back from there.
I was supposed to go to a dinner with some very dear friends on Friday. It was a very special occasion. Earlier in the week, the person throwing the dinner text me to confirm that I was still coming. I told the person I was, and then they made a simple and very reasonable request. They requested that we all "dress up" more than normal, as it was a special occasion. For those that know me, I never look bad or dress like a bum (thanks mom :-) ) as I think it is important to always look presentable.
Seems simple enough request, right? My dear friend, who was throwing a dinner, asked for us all to dress up. Should have been a simple and easy request, right? Well...this simple request, kicked off a chainreaction of irrational and distorted thinking that ultimately resulted in my canceling a few hours before the dinner, and hurting a person that I truly care about. I missed out on a special evening that had been planned months in advance. Why? Because when I went to the mall to try and buy a new shirt, and I tried on a XXXL/XXXT shirt, it pulled across the chest and didn't fit. In my head, I literally became a freak. The internal dialogue became: "you disgusting fat ass", "You're the fucking jolly green giant", "Why can't you lose weight", "No wonder you're single"...and on and on it went.
Now for those that don't really know what I look like, because I try and avoid pictures, let me interject some perspective here. I am 6'4" tall, I have a 56" chest, a 38" waist, and a 31" inseam. I don't know what I weigh, because the number messes with my head. I am a big guy, with a big chest and short legs. I workout twice a week with a trainer. I struggle with eating...usually I have to be reminded to eat during the week, because I have struggled with eating issues as well.
Prior to all this happening this weekend, I was actually feeling pretty good about myself. My trainer even seemed happy when I asked him how I was doing on Thursday! Yet one little request, sent me down a rabbit hole of thought, that almost ruined the weekend. That is how powerful these distortions can be for me...
I have struggled with this since I was 13 years old. Probably started when my then swim coach, Mike Hayhurst, would say things like "think how good you would be if you could lose some weight". Mind you, at the time I was ranked top 5 IN THE NATION in 8+ events, was the youngest male from my state to ever qualify for nationals, and had been invited out to train at the olympic training center in Colorado Springs... I have since come to understand, that Mike Hayhurst's actual problem with me, was that I was gay and he was a homophobe... Regardless, I wish his children better coaches than he was to me.
I am a bigger person. I will likely never have a 6-pack. I will probably struggle with my weight my entire life. I come from a family that struggles with weight. I will always have to exercise and be conscious of what I eat. I will probably never be able to buy designer clothes without having to have them custom taylored. I will probably always have to shop in the big and tall section. What I do not have to do, is let these things control my life and impact my self worth. I will always have to work on myself, and I will probably continue to struggle with this, but I will not be defined by it!
If you have ever struggled with body image, I share my story in the hopes that you gain from it. That you now know there is another person out there that struggles with it. That you are not alone, and that if you need to talk to someone about it, you can!
I am beautiful, just the way I am!
I am sexy, just the way I am!
I have value, just the way I am!
AND SO DO YOU!!
And if you have people in your life that make you feel like you aren't, well then they shouldn't be in your life!
Planet Fames is a body positive planet! If you have an issue with that, or you have preconceived and limited views on the human body and what is and is not beautiful....GET THE FUCK OFF MY PLANET! ;-)
I hope you all have had a better weekend than I have. Not that my weekend was horrible, because I was fortunate enough to be reminded of the wonderful and supportive friends and family I have been blessed to have in my life. Without them, I think this weekend could have been much worse...so a special thank you to those that helped me get through it! You know who you are!
This brings me to the topic of this weeks blog. I want to talk about, and hopefully start a dialogue or at least give a better understanding of body image, eating disorder, and my struggles with body dysmorphic thinking.
I am going to ask that everyone reading this, please be kind. As those of you that know me understand, I am a very guarded person. I don't share what I am really feeling often, so this is hard for me to do. Sharing something this personal and leaving myself vulnerable like this makes me extremely uncomfortable. I say this, and offer a preemptive apology in the event I get defensive with anyone.
I'm not even sure where to start, so I guess I will start with this weekend and what happened and go back from there.
I was supposed to go to a dinner with some very dear friends on Friday. It was a very special occasion. Earlier in the week, the person throwing the dinner text me to confirm that I was still coming. I told the person I was, and then they made a simple and very reasonable request. They requested that we all "dress up" more than normal, as it was a special occasion. For those that know me, I never look bad or dress like a bum (thanks mom :-) ) as I think it is important to always look presentable.
Seems simple enough request, right? My dear friend, who was throwing a dinner, asked for us all to dress up. Should have been a simple and easy request, right? Well...this simple request, kicked off a chainreaction of irrational and distorted thinking that ultimately resulted in my canceling a few hours before the dinner, and hurting a person that I truly care about. I missed out on a special evening that had been planned months in advance. Why? Because when I went to the mall to try and buy a new shirt, and I tried on a XXXL/XXXT shirt, it pulled across the chest and didn't fit. In my head, I literally became a freak. The internal dialogue became: "you disgusting fat ass", "You're the fucking jolly green giant", "Why can't you lose weight", "No wonder you're single"...and on and on it went.
Now for those that don't really know what I look like, because I try and avoid pictures, let me interject some perspective here. I am 6'4" tall, I have a 56" chest, a 38" waist, and a 31" inseam. I don't know what I weigh, because the number messes with my head. I am a big guy, with a big chest and short legs. I workout twice a week with a trainer. I struggle with eating...usually I have to be reminded to eat during the week, because I have struggled with eating issues as well.
Prior to all this happening this weekend, I was actually feeling pretty good about myself. My trainer even seemed happy when I asked him how I was doing on Thursday! Yet one little request, sent me down a rabbit hole of thought, that almost ruined the weekend. That is how powerful these distortions can be for me...
I have struggled with this since I was 13 years old. Probably started when my then swim coach, Mike Hayhurst, would say things like "think how good you would be if you could lose some weight". Mind you, at the time I was ranked top 5 IN THE NATION in 8+ events, was the youngest male from my state to ever qualify for nationals, and had been invited out to train at the olympic training center in Colorado Springs... I have since come to understand, that Mike Hayhurst's actual problem with me, was that I was gay and he was a homophobe... Regardless, I wish his children better coaches than he was to me.
I am a bigger person. I will likely never have a 6-pack. I will probably struggle with my weight my entire life. I come from a family that struggles with weight. I will always have to exercise and be conscious of what I eat. I will probably never be able to buy designer clothes without having to have them custom taylored. I will probably always have to shop in the big and tall section. What I do not have to do, is let these things control my life and impact my self worth. I will always have to work on myself, and I will probably continue to struggle with this, but I will not be defined by it!
If you have ever struggled with body image, I share my story in the hopes that you gain from it. That you now know there is another person out there that struggles with it. That you are not alone, and that if you need to talk to someone about it, you can!
I am beautiful, just the way I am!
I am sexy, just the way I am!
I have value, just the way I am!
AND SO DO YOU!!
And if you have people in your life that make you feel like you aren't, well then they shouldn't be in your life!
Planet Fames is a body positive planet! If you have an issue with that, or you have preconceived and limited views on the human body and what is and is not beautiful....GET THE FUCK OFF MY PLANET! ;-)
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