Toxic perspectives ~ friends and significant others to watch for
Welcome back friends! I can't believe it's already been a week...I guess it's true what they say, time flies when you are having fun! I hope you all had a good week, and are taking the time this weekend to recharge your batteries and ensuring that you are getting some self care.
While I had several ideas on topics thrown out, I decided to go with something that has been on my mind for a few weeks now. It seems to me, that a lot of people out there struggle with toxic relationships with others. I'm not just talking about significant others, but friends and acquaintances...basically relationships of any kind.
We all know at least one. As I start to dig into this topic, I am sure you will each start to think about a specific person you know. Someone who is always on the outs with a "friend" or the one that is always in a bad relationship. The one that is constantly complaining about their friend or boyfriend/girlfriend, and what they are doing wrong. If I may be so bold though, I am going to ask that you refrain from indulging in this line of thinking. Rather, I want this to be an introspective opportunity. A chance for you to try and see some of these patterns of behavior in your own actions, and to better understand the other person in the relationship. I believe that by better understanding ourselves, and our expectations, we can form better and stronger relationships with those around us.
In the hope of keeping this blog post relatively short, I am going to try and focus on 3 of the most common, overarching themes that I have run across the most often. Obviously this list won't be all inclusive, but hopefully it will get the thought process going and you can begin to identify some of the other themes that are impacting your life and your relationship with others.
1. The victim~ The first and most common theme I have come across, is the victim. Now let me be clear, I am not picking on anyone here. I am simply pointing out a pattern of thinking, or a theme or perspective from which a person views the world and thus the other people in their relationship. We all have "stuff". It's part of life. We have all experienced problems and faced struggles, and while they are all legitimate, The victim perspective places a higher value on their struggles and problems than they should. By this I mean, they typically do one of two things. Either the person minimizes or devalues the problems and struggles of others, because their problems are so much worse. OR they use their problems and struggles as an excuse to justify their bad behavior in life and in the relationship. This person does something wrong, and then excuses their bad behavior because they are going through a hard time. Never recognizing or understanding that their bad behavior may very well be causing the problems and struggles for someone else.
2. The fixer~ The second theme, is the fixer. This theme usually manifests in one of two ways, but of course there are always variations. The first manifestation comes in the form of trying to fix or solve the other person's problem. Often times, when the other person simple wants to be heard and wasn't even looking for a solution. This perspective often comes from a good place, from someone who cares and wants to help their friend. Sadly, what more often happens, is this attempt to fix the problem only leads to resentment. The other person feels they are able to handle the situation, and by you trying to fix it you have made them feel like you don't think they can handle it. The second way a fixer can manifest, might more aptly be labeled "the fixed". This person simply wants to abdicate the responsibility of managing their own life. This person, while more than capable of dealing with any situation they might find themselves in, simply doesn't want to. Unlike the victim, this person knows they can probably handle the situation. They would simply rather have someone else do it for them. They can then feel indignant if/when the problem doesn't get fixed and have someone else to blame for their problems. The fixed perspective is about shifting blame if things don't work out. The fixer and the fixed both come from a place of rejecting responsibility for their life and their problems.
3. The shit starter~ The name says it all. Despite your initial thought, the shit starter in my opinion is actually the least common of these three. We think they are more common, but that is only because we have to deal with their problems more often than anyone else's! The shit starter is simply that. They are an individual that literally goes out of their way to create discord, disharmony, and literally creates problems in their own life and often the lives of those around them. They do this because they either enjoy the attention, or because they have become so comfortable in the chaos around them, that they cannot seem to function when there isn't something on fire. They can also be completely unaware of what they are doing when they do it. They seem genuinely upset and may even try to help fix the situation...the situation they created.
Again, there are many more types of dysfunctional and toxic perspective out there. I could probably make a series of blogs on this, and if there is interest I just might. I'd rather move towards what you and I can do about these types of people, to increase our joy and happiness in life. Again, keeping in short! HAHA
1. Identify - If something seems off in your relationship, take a look at yourself and the other person. Are either one of you engaging in one of these perspectives?
2. Make a change - If you identify that you, or they, are engaging in this behavior, take appropriate action to either stop your behavior or distance yourself from theirs.
3. Recognize your role - Remember, it is your life. You are incharge of your thoughts, feelings, actions, and emotions. If you find yourself in these situations, ask yourself how you got there, so you can avoid it in the future.
4. Take action - Once you have identified how you got there, implement the action steps needed to avoid them in the future.
5. Only human - Remember, no one is perfect. We all make mistakes, and most of the time those mistakes are unintentional. Unless you have won some sick and twisted lottery of fate, and find yourself surrounded by nothing by sociopaths as friends, remember that you and they meant well. It is easier to forgive others and ourselves when we remember this.
6. Vigilant - You are responsible for your own happiness in your life. You are responsible for what you bring into others lives. By being vigilant and checking our motives and perspectives regularly, and by checking the motives and perspectives of the people around us regularly, we can increase everyone's overall happiness. Don't get paranoid about it! When your life seems out of balance though, check yourself and those around you.
I hope you found this blog interesting and entertaining! I hope it made sense! If you have questions, would like me to go further down the "rabbit hole", or you think I am totally off, I would love to hear from you!
Remember, I'll be back next week with another blog, so if you have a topic, question or idea, please message me! I love the feedback!
Have an awesome week, and catch you next time on Planet Fames!
While I had several ideas on topics thrown out, I decided to go with something that has been on my mind for a few weeks now. It seems to me, that a lot of people out there struggle with toxic relationships with others. I'm not just talking about significant others, but friends and acquaintances...basically relationships of any kind.
We all know at least one. As I start to dig into this topic, I am sure you will each start to think about a specific person you know. Someone who is always on the outs with a "friend" or the one that is always in a bad relationship. The one that is constantly complaining about their friend or boyfriend/girlfriend, and what they are doing wrong. If I may be so bold though, I am going to ask that you refrain from indulging in this line of thinking. Rather, I want this to be an introspective opportunity. A chance for you to try and see some of these patterns of behavior in your own actions, and to better understand the other person in the relationship. I believe that by better understanding ourselves, and our expectations, we can form better and stronger relationships with those around us.
In the hope of keeping this blog post relatively short, I am going to try and focus on 3 of the most common, overarching themes that I have run across the most often. Obviously this list won't be all inclusive, but hopefully it will get the thought process going and you can begin to identify some of the other themes that are impacting your life and your relationship with others.
1. The victim~ The first and most common theme I have come across, is the victim. Now let me be clear, I am not picking on anyone here. I am simply pointing out a pattern of thinking, or a theme or perspective from which a person views the world and thus the other people in their relationship. We all have "stuff". It's part of life. We have all experienced problems and faced struggles, and while they are all legitimate, The victim perspective places a higher value on their struggles and problems than they should. By this I mean, they typically do one of two things. Either the person minimizes or devalues the problems and struggles of others, because their problems are so much worse. OR they use their problems and struggles as an excuse to justify their bad behavior in life and in the relationship. This person does something wrong, and then excuses their bad behavior because they are going through a hard time. Never recognizing or understanding that their bad behavior may very well be causing the problems and struggles for someone else.
2. The fixer~ The second theme, is the fixer. This theme usually manifests in one of two ways, but of course there are always variations. The first manifestation comes in the form of trying to fix or solve the other person's problem. Often times, when the other person simple wants to be heard and wasn't even looking for a solution. This perspective often comes from a good place, from someone who cares and wants to help their friend. Sadly, what more often happens, is this attempt to fix the problem only leads to resentment. The other person feels they are able to handle the situation, and by you trying to fix it you have made them feel like you don't think they can handle it. The second way a fixer can manifest, might more aptly be labeled "the fixed". This person simply wants to abdicate the responsibility of managing their own life. This person, while more than capable of dealing with any situation they might find themselves in, simply doesn't want to. Unlike the victim, this person knows they can probably handle the situation. They would simply rather have someone else do it for them. They can then feel indignant if/when the problem doesn't get fixed and have someone else to blame for their problems. The fixed perspective is about shifting blame if things don't work out. The fixer and the fixed both come from a place of rejecting responsibility for their life and their problems.
3. The shit starter~ The name says it all. Despite your initial thought, the shit starter in my opinion is actually the least common of these three. We think they are more common, but that is only because we have to deal with their problems more often than anyone else's! The shit starter is simply that. They are an individual that literally goes out of their way to create discord, disharmony, and literally creates problems in their own life and often the lives of those around them. They do this because they either enjoy the attention, or because they have become so comfortable in the chaos around them, that they cannot seem to function when there isn't something on fire. They can also be completely unaware of what they are doing when they do it. They seem genuinely upset and may even try to help fix the situation...the situation they created.
Again, there are many more types of dysfunctional and toxic perspective out there. I could probably make a series of blogs on this, and if there is interest I just might. I'd rather move towards what you and I can do about these types of people, to increase our joy and happiness in life. Again, keeping in short! HAHA
1. Identify - If something seems off in your relationship, take a look at yourself and the other person. Are either one of you engaging in one of these perspectives?
2. Make a change - If you identify that you, or they, are engaging in this behavior, take appropriate action to either stop your behavior or distance yourself from theirs.
3. Recognize your role - Remember, it is your life. You are incharge of your thoughts, feelings, actions, and emotions. If you find yourself in these situations, ask yourself how you got there, so you can avoid it in the future.
4. Take action - Once you have identified how you got there, implement the action steps needed to avoid them in the future.
5. Only human - Remember, no one is perfect. We all make mistakes, and most of the time those mistakes are unintentional. Unless you have won some sick and twisted lottery of fate, and find yourself surrounded by nothing by sociopaths as friends, remember that you and they meant well. It is easier to forgive others and ourselves when we remember this.
6. Vigilant - You are responsible for your own happiness in your life. You are responsible for what you bring into others lives. By being vigilant and checking our motives and perspectives regularly, and by checking the motives and perspectives of the people around us regularly, we can increase everyone's overall happiness. Don't get paranoid about it! When your life seems out of balance though, check yourself and those around you.
I hope you found this blog interesting and entertaining! I hope it made sense! If you have questions, would like me to go further down the "rabbit hole", or you think I am totally off, I would love to hear from you!
Remember, I'll be back next week with another blog, so if you have a topic, question or idea, please message me! I love the feedback!
Have an awesome week, and catch you next time on Planet Fames!
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